Soul Writing

Another day

2005-09-22T18:15:00.000-07:00

Another day and a beautiful one at that! It was warm and sunny and it still feels more like summer than the end of it. But the weather changes so frequently here, who knows what tomorrow may bring?

Yesterday, I had the most wonderful day! For the first time in nearly 2 years, I was able to go to the river alone. I found a new place, closer to home, but private and most importantly, along my river. I am able to use my wheelchair there and use it down a logging path where I found this wonderful private spot, right over the year. The banking is high, so there is no way I could ever reach the water but that's not as important right now, as being able to sit there, alone, listening in the quiet, watching my river's flow.

I didn't realize how much I needed that! It was stronger medicine than any doctor could ever prescribe! After all the years of going to the Saco and having my own Sacred place, lymphedema, I thought, had ended that. Oh sure, I could get Raven or someone to help me down to the lower falls, but it was so exhausting and more than that, I was not alone. Raven is always in a rush and can't take being there for longer than a hour or two at the most. I can't understand why he doesn't see what he is missing. But that's his road, not mine.

I took Bud with me - ole Bud, our beagle, who has been going to the river since he was a pup. Now he's older and as fat as can be - but he hasn't had any real exercise in 2 years - not since lymphedema. I would always take him and Teddy with me to the river so he was overjoyed when I brought him with me and left the little boys at home. The little guys - my poms - Frankie and Tommy are sweethearts, but they get to go everywhere and Bud has to stay behind except for pow wows. So, he rooted around, rolled in God knows what - lol - and walked and trotted and tried his hardest to get to the water from where I sat, but he realized that he was foolish to try. He is able to get to the water when we first arrive at this spot.

The entrance is meant for canoes. All through the summer months, tourists come and canoe down the river. There is a section of the river that they have ruined to the point where they had to even had police patrols and pay for extra cops. Drinking, a few rapes - just in general doing all they could to have what they consider a good time, but what makes the river unsafe and harms the environment, with the trash they leave behind. I truly understand why natives call them flat landers and while they need the tourist dollar to survive the winters, they are thrilled when the tourists go home again. I am too. Time and again, when I was able, I would pick up the trash they left behind, or put out the fires they started and didn't put out.

I will never understand why anyone could come to such a beautiful, pristine place and want blasting radios, and to smash beer bottles, cut down living trees for fire wood, when there is dead wood lying everywhere for firewood and do the things they do. Why bother coming at all? Why not stay where they live - which is suppose to be the place they want a vacation from, rather than come here and ruin what we treasure and love with all our hearts.

Well, enough of this! I have a new place I am able to reach alone and that is all that matters to me. Even if it turns out that when summer comes around again, I may not be able to go there as often as I want, with the privacy and quiet I love, at least I have some time I can spend at the water. That's the most important part.

I saw my doctor today. I did not expect to see him, but the nurse called and asked if I could come in at 11 rather than the afternoon to see the nurse practioner. Of course, I said yes, I wanted to see him anyhow, not have to wait until November for my regular appointment.

He went over my blood work and it has improved. However, he is keeping me off the diabetes medication I had been taking. I don't want to take a chance on having another episode like I did a couple of weekends ago. That was so frightening!

Tomorrow I am going to have an MRI of my brain. Now that IS a scary thought! lol What if they find it empty???? lol

Seriously though, I have more than my share of medical problems, more than the average person of my age might have, but there is no escaping getting older, of having the aches and pains and problems that accompany old age. I feel sorry for the people who are so hung up in looks and weight and all of that, for when they age, it's so difficult for them, so much harder to accept gracefully, if that can ever be accomplished.

I know people who have been blessed with good health all their lives and now as they are reaching their 50's, they find they can't do the things they have taken for granted all their lives. We can all do a lot more in our youth, our bodies can take more abuse and are more tolerant of our abuses, but with age? There is no more easy ways out.

They call it "the golden years" and we call it the rusty years. lol

Well, I have a letter to write and a lot of email to read, so I guess I will call it a night.

We all have to do a lot of praying for the people in the way of the latest storm, Rita. I feel so sorry for the people in the area and those who have just survived one horrible hurricane are possibly facing another. The children must be so afraid. Let's all pray that the storm will lose its power or better still, turn into a mild tropical storm - better still, no storm at all.

When we look at what we think are our own troubles today, we only have to turn on a TV dial to see how blessed we are.

This and That

2005-09-22T17:32:00.000-07:00

Note-Success! Photo uploaded September 22, 2005

I've tried to upload a beautiful graphic I made tonight, but for some reason it won't work. Hopefully, I can get it to work later on, because it goes a long with soul writing in so many ways.

I have had a strange week, to say the least. Last weekend, I had something happen to me that really shook me up. From it, I have realized and I understand now that I have no control over anything. Not even myself. It’s not that I am a control freak or something. I'm just independent. When I've had problems, I try to resolve them myself and there have been many life's challenges. I have a lot of health problems.

I think I may have had some all my life, but because of youth I could live and do things. But when you get older, it makes a difference - a big difference. My health problems began to be a serious problem in 1996 and have grown worse since then. Now I find myself dependent in many ways - more than I had ever imagined. But throughout it all, I have still maintained or believed I have my independence. I am stubborn too, some call it tenacity, but it has gotten me through periods in my life where otherwise I may have just given up. So, I've always thought to myself I am in control. No one is - and this I learned in a frightening way. I don't remember all the particulars, but I do remember all the sudden I could not control my physical movements. I was so disoriented, when I walked I crashed into everything, I banged into the walls in our hallway, it was as if I was very drunk. If I moved the slightest forward, I would fall. I fell a couple of times, leaving a big bump on my head and some bruises. I couldn't control myself at all. My husband said I also said some things that were totally off the wall. Crazy things. Things that did not make any sense. I don't remember doing that. I don't know why I didn't have my husband Raven or son, Michael call for an ambulance or suggest we go to the small rural hospital we always use, about 20 miles away. Later on, my husband said that he didn't think of it either and he doesn't know why. He said he was so scared that all he could think about was me. He didn't know what to do. When I was finally able to get a hold of my doctor's office, the nurse practioner had me stopped two of my medications - one for my diabetes and the other for high blood pressure. I also have a very low iron account. I think all those factors and the rest put together could be the reason. I do know that what seems to have happened to me is a reaction to my diabetes medicine that is 50% fatal to most people. I tolerated this condition for nearly 3 days. Why I am still here tonight, I can't answer. I have not yet seen my doctor. It's not like the old days.

You could call your doctor, he'd answer and more than likely come over and check you. Today, the doctors are all booked, even if you are a patient of theirs, you have to wait your turn, even in an emergency like this. No openings until November, when I get my 15 minutes of fame. Questions? Well, they try, but they are too busy for that too.

Patients are shuffled in and out. Paperwork galore thanks to insurance companies. Who could possibly afford to pay a doctor today? Not at the rates they charge. But they have to have insurance to protect them from lawsuits. Even now, most doctors can't get it because it's so expensive. So in order to survive, they have to join a professional group. We have the best medical services and equipment and treatment money can buy but don't believe that it means you have a better survival rate because of it. The doctors of the past are gone forever.

And here I sit, alive, thank God! but with so many questions. The most important question of all is Creator was I that foolish? To believe I had control over anything? Forgive me for forgetting the importance of relying upon you. You reached out and held my hand and helped me to survive. No medical service did - but you did. Maybe it's the full moon that is the cause of this deep sadness I've had ever since? Or maybe watching hours of TV broadcasting of the victims of Hurricane Katrina? The people who continue to suffer, the children, the old, mostly poor and of color. It's impossible to imagine living under those conditions. But we have no control over anything. None of us do. The storm came and no one could stop it. In spite of the attempts to hold up against the storm, it meant nothing. The entire city of New Orleans under water and beyond that, acres and acres of land and thousands of people who managed to survive the flood - I'll be willing to bet they will tell us what it's like not being in control. What is so unbelievable to witness is the lack of response to our own. It took Bush 3 days before he flew over the area. I guess he didn't want to get his $400 shoes muddy. The aid was so slow in coming. I am not blaming the people who we expect to be there in such a disaster, they were victims too, of poor planning and a governmental organization that is one of the worse in my life. Putting people into positions that require someone with that unique experience, who have none, but they were supporters during the election and Bush always remembers his friends. It’s raining. It's been raining the last couple of days.

Dreary. I'm tired. I should try to get some sleep.

My first entry

2004-05-29T22:04:00.000-07:00

May 30, 2004

Well, it would be nice if we could pick our own fonts and sizes - lol - I'm a real stickler on things like that. I've been writing all of my life and have been typing since I was around 10 years old....How well I remember my first typewriter. It was nothing in comparison to how we can communicate today - but for me, it meant the world and no amount of money could take it away from me.

It's late where I live 1 am. and I've been up since 11 p.m. last night. I did get some sleep, but sometimes sleep isn't easy for me - because my mind is always filled with thoughts about what I'm going to do, need to do, etc.

I love digital photography and have a nice digital camera that I like very much.
I also enjoy creating digital graphics and art through with the use of several software programs that I have. I enjoy web design too - I'm self-taught and well, I don't think I do all that bad. "grins" I have a personal website and one where I produce an online American Indian/First Nations/ Indigenous ezine with many special features.

Well, I think I'm going to call it a night. I'm tired longggggg day.

Evening Rain